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Romance, Internet style
By Dorothy Cummings McLean
March 19, 2010
Dorothy Cummings McLean
It was a red letter day in the office.
“She’s quit,” said one of the ladies in the file room.
We were overjoyed. We had loathed our manager. Ugh!
“She’s going to Australia to get married,” said our informant. “She met him over the Internet.”
“She’s quit,” said one of the ladies in the file room.
We were overjoyed. We had loathed our manager. Ugh!
“She’s going to Australia to get married,” said our informant. “She met him over the Internet.”
“How weird!” we shouted.
There was no celebratory cake or speeches because our manager had just abandoned ship. Cleared her office. Here today, gone to Australia tomorrow. And as our former manager lacked sex appeal, we thought the situation hilarious. It seemed so random, just to chuck your life aside and run off to marry a man you’d met over the Internet.
Since then, the Internet has exploded into the lives of almost everyone with electricity. And so, of course, have online relationships. And some of these lead to love.
A friend of mine signed on with a Catholic dating site. She was tagged by a witty fellow, and they had such a fun correspondence that they decided that they should finally meet. So the fellow flew to her town, and they went out on their first date, and the date fizzled. The man was nice, but there was no spark. No spark at all. In person, he was just not the man my friend had imagined.
“When you meet someone online, meet them in person right away,” she counsels now. “That way you don’t build up expectations.”
Meeting a man quickly helps destroy the fantasy boyfriend you begin building in your head the moment Mr. Catholic Match sends you an introduction. Reality replaces fantasy, and that is a very good thing.
I was always dismayed upon meeting men I’d chatted with on Catholic dating sites.
The first one I met was nice enough and handsome, but he was clearly 10 years older than the person I expected from the photograph. I never saw him again before I bumped into him on his way to another coffee date. I discovered that he had been asking out dozens and dozens of Catholic women on coffee dates, which was his right to do, of course, but made me feel rather deflated all the same.
The last one I met was a forceful, witty, confident, chivalrous guy online, but a shy, tongue-tied mouse in person. Shyness turned to acute discomfort when he discovered, on his way to the counter, that he had lost his wallet. Instead of telling me right away, he just bought himself a coffee, leaving me drinkless and confused.
In his 20s, an old childhood friend of mine met a girl on a message board, and after some weeks of online correspondence, she invited him to come and stay with her in Chicago. So he went to Chicago, and upon seeing him, this girl froze him out. She barely talked to him, and when she did, it was to be nasty. My friend knew no one else in Chicago; the trip was an expensive disaster.
In his 30s this friend met a local woman over a secular dating web site. Now, people on this web site can be just as mean as the Chicago girl. They scroll though people’s pictures and leave nasty, belittling remarks. But among all that dross, my friend found a girl of gold, and they agreed to meet right away so as to remain rooted in reality. And now they are married. Two kids.
As I remind a 21-year-old buddy, 30-somethings are much older than 20-somethings. Singles in their 30s do not have the same opportunities as have singles in their 20s. More people their age are already married. So I can well understand why people over 30 turn to the Internet to find the romance that has eluded them outdoors.
I am not as sanguine about 21 year olds seeking love online. First of all, love can happen only between people who have actually met in person. And young people, who are encouraged to dream dreams, are likely to dream dreams about their Internet crush object. If they can’t afford to meet their long-distance Internet romances, these fantasies might go on and on, unchecked by reality. They are no substitute for getting out of the house and meeting people in person.
Second, young people do not handle disappointment as healthily as older people do, simply because they have not had the same time to practise. A young girl who discovers that her Internet Prince is a snaggle-toothed commoner in real life is more likely to be devastated than the 35 year old who has learned to expect men to be snaggle-toothed commoners. Thirty-somethings have even learned to find the princes in snaggle-toothed commoner disguise.
Third, young people are more trusting than we hard-headed oldies. They particularly trust other young people and people they believe to be young. Just because lies don’t come easily to you, young person, don’t assume they don’t come easily to the average Internet chatterer. Don’t pin your faith to the flattering photo. And if you meet, always meet in a public place. It might not feel like a date with a stranger, but it is.
There was no celebratory cake or speeches because our manager had just abandoned ship. Cleared her office. Here today, gone to Australia tomorrow. And as our former manager lacked sex appeal, we thought the situation hilarious. It seemed so random, just to chuck your life aside and run off to marry a man you’d met over the Internet.
Since then, the Internet has exploded into the lives of almost everyone with electricity. And so, of course, have online relationships. And some of these lead to love.
A friend of mine signed on with a Catholic dating site. She was tagged by a witty fellow, and they had such a fun correspondence that they decided that they should finally meet. So the fellow flew to her town, and they went out on their first date, and the date fizzled. The man was nice, but there was no spark. No spark at all. In person, he was just not the man my friend had imagined.
“When you meet someone online, meet them in person right away,” she counsels now. “That way you don’t build up expectations.”
Meeting a man quickly helps destroy the fantasy boyfriend you begin building in your head the moment Mr. Catholic Match sends you an introduction. Reality replaces fantasy, and that is a very good thing.
I was always dismayed upon meeting men I’d chatted with on Catholic dating sites.
The first one I met was nice enough and handsome, but he was clearly 10 years older than the person I expected from the photograph. I never saw him again before I bumped into him on his way to another coffee date. I discovered that he had been asking out dozens and dozens of Catholic women on coffee dates, which was his right to do, of course, but made me feel rather deflated all the same.
The last one I met was a forceful, witty, confident, chivalrous guy online, but a shy, tongue-tied mouse in person. Shyness turned to acute discomfort when he discovered, on his way to the counter, that he had lost his wallet. Instead of telling me right away, he just bought himself a coffee, leaving me drinkless and confused.
In his 20s, an old childhood friend of mine met a girl on a message board, and after some weeks of online correspondence, she invited him to come and stay with her in Chicago. So he went to Chicago, and upon seeing him, this girl froze him out. She barely talked to him, and when she did, it was to be nasty. My friend knew no one else in Chicago; the trip was an expensive disaster.
In his 30s this friend met a local woman over a secular dating web site. Now, people on this web site can be just as mean as the Chicago girl. They scroll though people’s pictures and leave nasty, belittling remarks. But among all that dross, my friend found a girl of gold, and they agreed to meet right away so as to remain rooted in reality. And now they are married. Two kids.
As I remind a 21-year-old buddy, 30-somethings are much older than 20-somethings. Singles in their 30s do not have the same opportunities as have singles in their 20s. More people their age are already married. So I can well understand why people over 30 turn to the Internet to find the romance that has eluded them outdoors.
I am not as sanguine about 21 year olds seeking love online. First of all, love can happen only between people who have actually met in person. And young people, who are encouraged to dream dreams, are likely to dream dreams about their Internet crush object. If they can’t afford to meet their long-distance Internet romances, these fantasies might go on and on, unchecked by reality. They are no substitute for getting out of the house and meeting people in person.
Second, young people do not handle disappointment as healthily as older people do, simply because they have not had the same time to practise. A young girl who discovers that her Internet Prince is a snaggle-toothed commoner in real life is more likely to be devastated than the 35 year old who has learned to expect men to be snaggle-toothed commoners. Thirty-somethings have even learned to find the princes in snaggle-toothed commoner disguise.
Third, young people are more trusting than we hard-headed oldies. They particularly trust other young people and people they believe to be young. Just because lies don’t come easily to you, young person, don’t assume they don’t come easily to the average Internet chatterer. Don’t pin your faith to the flattering photo. And if you meet, always meet in a public place. It might not feel like a date with a stranger, but it is.
Dorothy Cummings McLean