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The modern Catholic culture makes it harder to find a spouse
By Dorothy Cummings McLean
January 8, 2009
Dorothy Cummings McLean
I well remember my first visit to Theology on Tap. It was in Cambridge, Massachusetts, an event put on by the Harvard Catholic Students Association. The “Harvard” Catholic church had the most beautiful Mass in town, and so I became a Harvard parishioner.
I rarely missed after-Mass coffee and went, when I could, to parish-sponsored events. These were incredibly social. Instead of lurking shyly in corners with old friends, the Catholics of Cambridge positively schmoozed. They lingered on the edges of groups, smile at the ready, taking the first opportunity to introduce themselves. Cards were exchanged. Self-appointed social mentors went out of their way to introduce people to one another.
The Harvard Theology on Tap was no exception. Sitting in pubs, my buddy Catherine and I scanned the men around (married? single? seminarian?) and were pleased when the men around scanned us. Everyone dressed to the nines. One week the topic was “Priesthood is a wonderful life.” We listened politely, asked some questions and went back to schmoozing. Although we would have thought it a poor tactic to say so, both Catherine and I were dying to find good Catholic husbands.
Theology on Tap in Cambridge being such a party, I was greatly surprised by a strangely solemn Theology on Tap in Toronto last year. I couldn’t understand the lack of schmoozing and wrote about it.
As a columnist, I inspire some feedback. Goodness gracious, you should see some of the unpublished letters. Well, no. Libel laws forbid this. But the most interesting and varied response I have received so far was inspired by my Theology on Tap column, “The Spring Roll Guy and Mr. Bargle.” It ranged from praise by one woman who suggested I give seminars in social skills to young Catholic men to an accusation from another woman that I wrote the column in a fury that I hadn’t been “picked up” myself.
What surprised me most in the letters, e-mails and comments was anger that I had called Theology on Tap “Singles Night in the Archdiocese.” Apparently I shouldn’t have assumed that Catholic men go to such intellectual events as Theology on Tap to meet girls and eat free food. Man, I know Jansenism did a number on this town, but I hadn’t realized it had become a serious sin to want to meet girls. Now I understand why I had to go to Scotland to find a husband.
Look, when I joked that a Theology on Tap event held in Toronto was Singles’ Night in the Archdiocese, that wasn’t an insult. It was a compliment. There are not a lot of opportunities for Catholic men and women to meet each other after they leave Catholic high school or university. Helping Catholics get married is not a big priority for overworked pastoral teams. There are retreats for men and women to think about their vocations to the priesthood or the religious life, but there are no retreats for men and women to think about their vocations to the Catholic married life.
Some parishes don’t really seem to know what to do with single Catholics over a certain age. I once called up a parish singles’ club to find out what they offered. They played a lot of floor hockey and volleyball. Yes, that’s what I wanted to do after a hard day at work. Floor hockey. Yup. Uh huh.
Let me speak plainly. I know many single Catholic women in their thirties, and I know some single Catholic men in their thirties. They want to get married. It isn’t fashionable to say so because, hey, these are modern times, and a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, and men today don’t need all the hassle of wife and family.
Garbage. Human nature hasn’t changed that much. Some people are called to the priesthood and/or the religious life. A few are called to live unconsecrated celibate lives in the world. But let’s get real. Most people, men and women, want to get married and Catholics who love their faith usually prefer to marry other Catholics. But just as it has become harder to stay married, it has become harder to get married.
We need help. Some Catholic men tell me that they’re not “tragically dumb,” they just don’t know what the social rules are any more. Some Catholic women are terrified of admitting that they want to be wives and mothers. Some Catholics give up waiting for the “ideal” and drift into premarital sexual relationships. Some Catholics try to turn off their sexuality completely. Somehow we’ve lost something that all previous generations of Canadian Catholics had: a solid Catholic culture in which it is easy to find a spouse.
The Harvard Theology on Tap was no exception. Sitting in pubs, my buddy Catherine and I scanned the men around (married? single? seminarian?) and were pleased when the men around scanned us. Everyone dressed to the nines. One week the topic was “Priesthood is a wonderful life.” We listened politely, asked some questions and went back to schmoozing. Although we would have thought it a poor tactic to say so, both Catherine and I were dying to find good Catholic husbands.
Theology on Tap in Cambridge being such a party, I was greatly surprised by a strangely solemn Theology on Tap in Toronto last year. I couldn’t understand the lack of schmoozing and wrote about it.
As a columnist, I inspire some feedback. Goodness gracious, you should see some of the unpublished letters. Well, no. Libel laws forbid this. But the most interesting and varied response I have received so far was inspired by my Theology on Tap column, “The Spring Roll Guy and Mr. Bargle.” It ranged from praise by one woman who suggested I give seminars in social skills to young Catholic men to an accusation from another woman that I wrote the column in a fury that I hadn’t been “picked up” myself.
What surprised me most in the letters, e-mails and comments was anger that I had called Theology on Tap “Singles Night in the Archdiocese.” Apparently I shouldn’t have assumed that Catholic men go to such intellectual events as Theology on Tap to meet girls and eat free food. Man, I know Jansenism did a number on this town, but I hadn’t realized it had become a serious sin to want to meet girls. Now I understand why I had to go to Scotland to find a husband.
Look, when I joked that a Theology on Tap event held in Toronto was Singles’ Night in the Archdiocese, that wasn’t an insult. It was a compliment. There are not a lot of opportunities for Catholic men and women to meet each other after they leave Catholic high school or university. Helping Catholics get married is not a big priority for overworked pastoral teams. There are retreats for men and women to think about their vocations to the priesthood or the religious life, but there are no retreats for men and women to think about their vocations to the Catholic married life.
Some parishes don’t really seem to know what to do with single Catholics over a certain age. I once called up a parish singles’ club to find out what they offered. They played a lot of floor hockey and volleyball. Yes, that’s what I wanted to do after a hard day at work. Floor hockey. Yup. Uh huh.
Let me speak plainly. I know many single Catholic women in their thirties, and I know some single Catholic men in their thirties. They want to get married. It isn’t fashionable to say so because, hey, these are modern times, and a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, and men today don’t need all the hassle of wife and family.
Garbage. Human nature hasn’t changed that much. Some people are called to the priesthood and/or the religious life. A few are called to live unconsecrated celibate lives in the world. But let’s get real. Most people, men and women, want to get married and Catholics who love their faith usually prefer to marry other Catholics. But just as it has become harder to stay married, it has become harder to get married.
We need help. Some Catholic men tell me that they’re not “tragically dumb,” they just don’t know what the social rules are any more. Some Catholic women are terrified of admitting that they want to be wives and mothers. Some Catholics give up waiting for the “ideal” and drift into premarital sexual relationships. Some Catholics try to turn off their sexuality completely. Somehow we’ve lost something that all previous generations of Canadian Catholics had: a solid Catholic culture in which it is easy to find a spouse.
Dorothy Cummings McLean