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The spring roll guy and Mr. Bargle
By Dorothy Cummings McLean
November 7, 2008
Dorothy Cummings McLean
I was sitting on a barstool at Theology on Tap, otherwise known as Singles Night in the archdiocese of Toronto.
A 30-something guy with a thick Slavic accent was trying to chat up the frosty girl beside me. She asked me to watch her barstool while she got some food. The 30-something guy grinned at me.
A 30-something guy with a thick Slavic accent was trying to chat up the frosty girl beside me. She asked me to watch her barstool while she got some food. The 30-something guy grinned at me.
“I asked her, is that chair free? And when she said no, I asked, are you free?”
“Ha, ha, ha!”
He grinned, and I grinned back. He pointed to my plate.
“Are those chicken wings free?”
“Ha, ha, ha!”
I asked him what parish he was from. For once, this was a great opening line. I felt like I had returned to the days of the old Catholic ghetto. But my neighbour returned to her seat between us, and the comedian wandered off to try his line on other girls. I approved. He was making an effort. He was meeting girls. He had a winning routine — unlike the shy guys who moved from their chairs only to get food.
Three chicken wings and a carrot stick were not enough for me, so I went back to the food table. I hoped I would get a spring roll. They hadn’t been there when I got my chicken wings. But there was only one left.
I was third in line. There was a girl ahead of me. And in front of her was a big guy. He took the last spring roll. And then I realized that this guy might be single forever. Here he had a perfect opportunity to turn to the girls behind him and ask if they’d like the last spring roll. Had he done so, not only would he have made a favourable impression, he would have had a conversation-opener. But he didn’t. He scooped the last spring roll. And I thought, “Buddy! Are you here for the spring rolls?”
I looked around the room and saw that there were women standing and guys sitting. I know standing is a pain, but why weren’t the guys giving up their seats? These were Catholic guys at a Theology of the Body lecture. What were they thinking? It occurred to me that these guys might be single forever, and they wouldn’t know why.
The lecture was a good one. The speaker was young, married and charismatic. He managed to present John Paul II’s “Human Love and the Divine Plan” in half an hour. He even wrung a few “Amens” from the congregation.
During the Q & A session, I listened intently to the aggressive questioners. One woman wanted to know how much of this stuff was actually about God and how much was man-made. It sounded like this girl was struggling between faith and the sexual revolution. And the boys were more tragically dumb than ever.
Afterwards I sought out the woman. She told me about the connection she feels with God when she’s at Mass. She wasn’t sure how the Catholic Church’s moral teachings fit in with that. And then the big guy beside us attacked.
“You know, you can’t question church teaching until you know what it is, right?”
“Um, excuse me. We were talking.”
The big guy bargled on, and the woman and I looked at each other with “Oh dear, men” faces. I took a chair on the other side, and she turned her back on Mr. Bargle. Mr. Bargle began to talk to another man. Meanwhile, I worked my sneaky theology magic. Business cards were exchanged. Reading was suggested.
On the way out, I bumped into Mr. Bargle, and I apologized for having cut him out.
“You know,” said Mr. Bargle. “I don’t want to sound sexist, but men are more rational. We approach the world through reason, not with feelings, ya know?”
He lurched over me, and I wondered if he were drunk.
“I don’t want to sound sexist, you know, but every guy when he’s five years old, he’s at his buddy’s place, right, and they’ve found his buddy’s dad’s stack of porn, and they’re asking questions, right? Like who made the world. Oh! Well, God made the world. But who made God? Right? What does God see when He turns to His left? And that moment is the loneliest, scariest moment of a guy’s life. And this happens to every guy, at five. That’s the way we are. And I don’t want to sound sexist but...”
And he proceeded to sound sexist, and I wondered if I should tell him why he was single.
Perhaps I should suggest to the organizer of Theology on Tap that there be a “How to Talk to Women” lecture. It’s all very well to talk about Jesus giving up His life for His bride, but these guys don’t even know to give up their aggression, their seats or even the last spring roll in order to win their own.
“Ha, ha, ha!”
He grinned, and I grinned back. He pointed to my plate.
“Are those chicken wings free?”
“Ha, ha, ha!”
I asked him what parish he was from. For once, this was a great opening line. I felt like I had returned to the days of the old Catholic ghetto. But my neighbour returned to her seat between us, and the comedian wandered off to try his line on other girls. I approved. He was making an effort. He was meeting girls. He had a winning routine — unlike the shy guys who moved from their chairs only to get food.
Three chicken wings and a carrot stick were not enough for me, so I went back to the food table. I hoped I would get a spring roll. They hadn’t been there when I got my chicken wings. But there was only one left.
I was third in line. There was a girl ahead of me. And in front of her was a big guy. He took the last spring roll. And then I realized that this guy might be single forever. Here he had a perfect opportunity to turn to the girls behind him and ask if they’d like the last spring roll. Had he done so, not only would he have made a favourable impression, he would have had a conversation-opener. But he didn’t. He scooped the last spring roll. And I thought, “Buddy! Are you here for the spring rolls?”
I looked around the room and saw that there were women standing and guys sitting. I know standing is a pain, but why weren’t the guys giving up their seats? These were Catholic guys at a Theology of the Body lecture. What were they thinking? It occurred to me that these guys might be single forever, and they wouldn’t know why.
The lecture was a good one. The speaker was young, married and charismatic. He managed to present John Paul II’s “Human Love and the Divine Plan” in half an hour. He even wrung a few “Amens” from the congregation.
During the Q & A session, I listened intently to the aggressive questioners. One woman wanted to know how much of this stuff was actually about God and how much was man-made. It sounded like this girl was struggling between faith and the sexual revolution. And the boys were more tragically dumb than ever.
Afterwards I sought out the woman. She told me about the connection she feels with God when she’s at Mass. She wasn’t sure how the Catholic Church’s moral teachings fit in with that. And then the big guy beside us attacked.
“You know, you can’t question church teaching until you know what it is, right?”
“Um, excuse me. We were talking.”
The big guy bargled on, and the woman and I looked at each other with “Oh dear, men” faces. I took a chair on the other side, and she turned her back on Mr. Bargle. Mr. Bargle began to talk to another man. Meanwhile, I worked my sneaky theology magic. Business cards were exchanged. Reading was suggested.
On the way out, I bumped into Mr. Bargle, and I apologized for having cut him out.
“You know,” said Mr. Bargle. “I don’t want to sound sexist, but men are more rational. We approach the world through reason, not with feelings, ya know?”
He lurched over me, and I wondered if he were drunk.
“I don’t want to sound sexist, you know, but every guy when he’s five years old, he’s at his buddy’s place, right, and they’ve found his buddy’s dad’s stack of porn, and they’re asking questions, right? Like who made the world. Oh! Well, God made the world. But who made God? Right? What does God see when He turns to His left? And that moment is the loneliest, scariest moment of a guy’s life. And this happens to every guy, at five. That’s the way we are. And I don’t want to sound sexist but...”
And he proceeded to sound sexist, and I wondered if I should tell him why he was single.
Perhaps I should suggest to the organizer of Theology on Tap that there be a “How to Talk to Women” lecture. It’s all very well to talk about Jesus giving up His life for His bride, but these guys don’t even know to give up their aggression, their seats or even the last spring roll in order to win their own.
Dorothy Cummings McLean