My life as a 'Seraphic Single'

Before she added “McLean” to her byline, Catholic Register columnist Dorothy Cummings wrote a book called Seraphic Singles: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Single Life, published by Novalis. It was accepted for publication a week after her wedding. Seraphic Singles was compiled from blog posts Cummings wrote during her last year at Boston College. Seraphic Singles will have its official launch on March 25 in Toronto (7-10 p.m. at the Duke of York Pub at 39 Prince Arthur Ave.) It is available at www.novalis.ca . The Catholic Register has reproduced two excerpts.

A 40-something woman once asked me how you can stay seraphic when you are an older single and when it seems that marriage mightn’t happen. I pondered this question while travelling; while my train roared and screamed across the countryside, I came up with a list.

1. Remember that there is no better time in history and no better place than the West to be a single woman. Life used to be very frightening and humiliating for all but the richest of unmarried women. In English society, unmarried women entered rooms behind married women: it showed unmarrieds’ inferior rank. Nowadays, it is more difficult to tell married women from unmarried women, thanks to that “Ms.” Remember also that this new Catholic obsession with marriage is exactly that: new. For over a thousand years, one form of single life — religious life — was believed to be superior.

2. Accept that you will not be seraphic 100 per cent of the time. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bitter, sad and disappointed now and then. But don’t beat up on anyone else either, and don’t swim too long in your feelings. Take it up with God. Have it out by talking to the crucifix or writing God a letter. Tell Him the truth: “Dear God, I’m very angry today. Another one of my friends is getting married, and although I’m happy she’s happy, I feel ….” When you are done, ask God to take unwanted feelings away.

3. Keep busy. The good thing about a 9-to-5 job is that it keeps you busy from 9 to 5. Students and freelancers, of course, have a harder time fashioning comforting structures. I need help with this myself.

4. Make plans with friends. If you have no friends, this action is impossible, of course, and being single is not the worst of your problems. Keep in touch with old friends and stay open to making new ones.

5. Make evening plans for yourself. You could cozy up at home with a DVD or go out to a movie or a class. The advantage of taking a night class is that you might make new friends. Also, when you get home, you will be so tired, that empty bed will look beautiful.

6. Socialize with married friends and relatives — ones you truly like and who don’t make you feel self-conscious about being single. Their dynamics will rub some of the glamour off the married life for you. Even the most loving of couples seem to bicker. “Now, Tom, dear!” “Now Suzie!” It’s normal, natural and healthy, but it sure ain’t fairy dust.

7. Travel on a whim, even if it’s just across town. For me, that is one great plus about being single. I have the freedom to go where I want and, work permitting, when I want.

8. If you can afford it, invest in your body beautiful. Think Legally Blonde and pick a beautician you can have a conversation with. Eat properly and try to get some exercise.

9. Don’t drink alcohol alone (or at all, if you have a weakness in that direction). Invest in a variety of herbal teas instead. A little ice cream now and again won’t hurt you.

10. Invest for that little old lady in your future. When you can, sock some savings away regularly somewhere they can grow. Take an interest in the youngest members of your family, so that they will think of Auntie or Cousin with fondness and gratitude. Consume calcium and do weight-bearing exercises. I once met a muscular old lady who was on her way to a mountain-climbing trip. I want to be that old lady.

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Ten Great Things About Being Single

If I had to say what I like best about going home to Canada for a visit, it is making coffee for everyone in the house when I get up. When you live in a family, you have to think about things like that, and it’s nice. However, here I am alone again, and so here is my list of 10 great things about being single.

1. St. Paul said singleness rocks. No matter how family centred your parish, no matter how many cutesy couples show up for weeks at a time to make Father happy he said he would marry them, you’re living the state of life St. Paul said he wished for you. Think of that on Mother’s Day when you have to clap for the ladies with children.

2. You can make sudden, life-changing decisions without asking permission. You can give up your office job to work with orphans, or you can give up the orphans to work in an office job. If God says “Jump,” you can ask “How high?” without having to explain the “God said jump” part to an outraged spouse. You don’t have to agonize over Humanae Vitae.

3. Is artificial birth control a grave moral evil or a much misunderstood blessed aid to the unitive and procreative aspects of marriage? Millions of married Catholics have to worry about this. You don’t. Yes!

4. You are much less likely to be nagged about anything. But I’m not sure you’re allowed to screen your mother’s calls. Throw towels around with abandon, just because you can. Whee! Bury your socks in the sofa cushions. Frame a pizza box! Buy an incredibly smelly but lovable dog. Let the cat box go for another day or so.

5. You don’t have to pick up someone from the airport. But you can if you want to, and that makes you a nice person.

6. You don’t have to adjust the bed to deal with two different body temperatures and/or preferences. If you marry a European, you might have to give up blankets. Can you imagine giving up blankets? But even if you marry a North American, you might have to share the bed with a dozen stuffed animals. Or even dolls.

7. You can do whatever you want in the kitchen, even if that is nothing.

8. You don’t have to deal with anyone else’s sexual fantasies. The words “You want me to WHAT?” need never cross your mind. Sex advice columns are enough to keep me unmarried forever. Throw in the Humanae Vitae worries, and I might stop dating completely.

9. You get to pick all the movies. Never will you have to endure a chick flick (if male) or Eddie Murphy (if female) just to make someone happy.

10. You can let yourself go. Have another doughnut. Mmmm!