Advice to young, single women: safety beats being nice

Because I write about issues that concern Catholic singles, I have received well over a hundred e-mails asking for advice. I find these requests very moving. It is inspiring to read how determined my readers are to be faithful to the will of God for their lives, even though they are unsure of what that might be. It is humbling that they turn to me for help.

Many of my single readers, particularly those over 30, are wistful about their place in the Church. They note the emphasis on “youth,” as in World Youth Day, on vocations to the priesthood, on marriage preparation and on families. They feel left out. It would be nice if priests would preach at least once a year on the single life. The majority of Catholic priests have personal insights into the single life that might prove helpful and inspiring to long-term single people. Simply acknowledging the existence of single, childless people over 30 would make them feel less invisible in the pews.

It would also send a message to single people under 30 that romance is not the be-all and end-all of lay life. After five years of writing for them, I know that most singles want to get married. This is fine. However, I also know that an inordinate longing to be found attractive by men, “ to have a boyfriend” and thus to get married leads innocent women into very uncomfortable situations.

What gets my readers into trouble is wishful thinking and self-doubt. Preying on my mind at the moment — to the exclusion of anything else — is an SOS from a young woman who has been followed across the ocean by a young man she met on the last day of her European holidays. It illustrates perfectly some self-defeating tendencies in young single Catholic women.

When they met, my reader thought the young European was very charming and handsome. He told her that he had been planning a grand tour of North America for months, and would like to visit her the week he was in her town. She agreed, and they exchanged e-mails. She dreamed of a possible romance.

Now the man has arrived, and it turns out that he lied about his plans. He had made them up, on the spot, when he met her, and is now ensconced in a hostel in her town, with no plans to move on. He spent a month’s travel budget in a matter of days, and is almost out of money. He introduced her to a friend, who was drunk, obscene and made advances to her. Now he plans to come over to her place tonight to make her dinner.

My reader, who is a student with a full-time job, now feels incredibly guilty. She is uncomfortable knowing that he crossed the ocean only to see her. She does not want to see him more than twice a week, and she isn’t sure she wants “to date” him now anyway. However, she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. And yet she doesn’t want to “lead him on.”  To add to the confusion, she writes, “I do wonder if my sudden change of heart is just because I’ve never had a boyfriend before — I’m (in my early 20s)— and I’m just feeling nervous.”

Her sudden change of heart, of course, is because she now knows this man better. Her feelings of discomfort are not signs of immaturity but of good sense. Here we have a young man, a near-stranger, who has lied to her, arrived in her country without enough money to support himself, introduced her to a dodgy character and wants to come over to her place. And yet it is she who feels guilty and awkward. I am sorry to say that, having corresponded with nice Catholic women in their 20s for years, I am not at all surprised. 

The capacity of nice young women to second-guess or blame themselves for the bad or crazy behaviour of charming young men cannot be exaggerated. Sometimes this puts the women in very awkward or very dangerous situations indeed. I was heartbroken by an e-mail from a very young woman who had met a stranger at a party. He teased her that she looked like the kind of girl who would be afraid to be alone with him. To prove she wasn’t, she went away with him. He raped her.

I have told my confused reader that none of this is her fault. I have suggested that she call her parents and tell them the whole story. Above all, I have suggested that she not allow this young man into her apartment. Being sensible and safe beats being “nice.”