What do marriage and motherhood have to do with women’s happiness? A recent panel held by sociologist Brad Wilcox at the University of Virginia shed light on this question. 

These are issues women love to discuss, where men aren’t given the permission or opportunity to do so, NPR personality Michel Martin pointed out early, to applause. Indeed, these issues are family issues, not women’s issues and for as long as we silo off women to have discussions about women’s happiness through marriage and motherhood, we’ll probably be less likely to achieve those very goods. 

That said, for women to think about themes of women’s happiness in family life remains important, not least because so many women exclude marriage and motherhood as possible sources of fulfillment. 

Consider that in Canada, Cardus research shows, the top reason women cite for not having children we say we want is “needing to grow as a person.” Having a family is, apparently, not seen as allowing or encouraging personal growth. 

The panel moderator brought up a recent Chappell Roan interview, where the singer/songwriter remarked that amongst her midwestern friends having children, she saw “they had no light in their eyes.”

To this Michelle Goldberg, New York Times columnist was pretty quick to point out “the joys  [of parenting] are more intimate and less visible than the things about it that suck.” 

This is true. People who don’t have kids see the missed events and the fatigue. That one might have joy in the pain is harder to explain. The first time my child threw up on me, I actually felt honoured. Who else is going to love on her in that state?

Goldberg explained how it took her a long time to come to the idea of parenting as something she wanted to do. She got married young but waited years before having kids, thinking she didn’t want any. She did many of the things we applaud in our culture – in her case writing books and travelling the world – before she hit a point of wondering whether there could be more to life. 

I suppose someone who becomes a parent very early might also hit a point of wondering if there isn’t more to life, after one too many interrupted nights. That is not, however, the dominant problem our low fertility culture faces. Much more common is not being able to find a partner, and learning the family option is unavailable. 

Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, offered perhaps the most pointed advice. Marriage and family are human universals, she said. Don’t think about whether you’ll be happier at age 35, 40 or 45 if you’ve had children, she said. “Think what it is like to be 80 and not have children… For goodness sake, I’ve heard women say I’m not going to have children because it will ruin my body. Your body is going to be ruined by age,” she said, adding, “you’re not going to be hot when you are in the nursing home.” Her final assessment: “Probably people should just have children unless they have a really good reason not to.”

Towards the end of the panel, the moderator asked about policies that might promote marriage and motherhood. Again, Michel Martin jumped in with a pithy comment: “Part of the problem with this society is we treat having kids like an expensive hobby.” Her assessment is spot on—karate, marathons, caring for kids--you can have a day off, or two, just don’t let it overwhelm your work life. 

The assessment is correct, and yet the solutions remain disputed. Here, the example of progressive Canada has something to offer the now global conversation about what’s gone wrong with family life. With generous parental leave, an attempt just now at a socialist utopian daycare system, and men in Canada who are as likely as any place in the world to change diapers—we are certainly not finding Canadian women choosing marriage and family en masse. 

Men must be invited to these conversations without a doubt. But I actually believe it’s women who hold the keys to opening the door to family and marriage as a joy—albeit a self-sacrificial one—once again. We’ve had decades downplaying family, so these changes in our attitudes won’t happen overnight, but perhaps a few more panels and we’ll get there. 

Andrea Mrozek is Senior Fellow at Cardus Family.