Girls—Gen Z and the commodification of everything is a recently released book by British author Freya India. It presents a mindset to consider in the aftermath of Mother’s Day. In the book she argues that girls have become products in disturbing ways resulting in increased pain and unhappiness. India says western women have everything they want, but nothing they need. She also spoke in a recent podcast to the ways in which girls are primed for success in the work world, which means much has to be given up or unlearned in attempting to have a family. 

The spheres are not the same, and neither are the tools for success. India says her generation is focused on self-actualization, which is an official survey result Cardus, the think tank where I work, encountered when we surveyed young women who wish to have children about why they would not in the next two years. Self-actualization put as “wanting to grow as a person” was the top reason given. 

Missing the point on foundational issues is the hallmark of our modern world. This makes Mother’s Day something of a tenuous time. Fewer among us are becoming mothers. There is increased ambiguity over whether motherhood is desirable. Yet, at the same time, half of women at the end of their reproductive lives express regret over the children they did not have, suggesting that many women want to be moms but struggle to achieve it. 

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Motherhood cannot certainly not be assumed as part of the life course, and neither can its precursor, marriage.  Those two are more than casually related. Marriage, as a proxy for a lasting relationship, remains, against the odds, the goal for women who intuitively know that becoming a mother involves a father. 

Solving the fertility crisis means solving the marriage crisis. Yet neither are reliably viewed as a crisis by the mainstream culture. Just when I think we have reached a reasonable consensus that low and getting lower fertility is a tragedy, a scholar pops up, yet again, to declare our inability to perpetuate the human species in the western world is actually enriching and perfectly viable if we do it right. It’s harder to solve a problem when we cannot reliably agree it actually is a problem. 

Motherhood remains the antithesis to mainstream modern values. We love our autonomy. But motherhood spelled correctly (at least in the early years) starts with a D for dependence. We love choices. While motherhood does not curtail choices, it so drastically changes the landscape for said choices that many young people cannot imagine what those choices might look or feel like.

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We also love immediacy and seeing short term results. We want to be able to say I worked on this project and behold—it is sold, published, posted to Instagram. Motherhood? It cannot effectively be rated on Google until several decades later, and even then, the star rating could change.

Of course, if motherhood is the antithesis to our modern world, it is also the antidote. Motherhood in its broadest definition, not limited to the biological variety, absolutely could cure us and counteract the insecurity, the short termism, and my own selfish inward focus. Motherhood (spiritual and biological) is a proxy for sacrifice and giving to others. Motherhood is humility—understanding that my inputs may warrant a grade of A plus and yet the outcome may not reflect this. Motherhood is by definition long term—til death do my kid and I part, truly, without ever speaking any vow. And motherhood at its best is unconditional love. Motherhood is healing and wisdom but only if we allow it to work its magic, for us and our children. 

People like me have a tendency to talk about statistics, research or policy, which means as I write about how our society misses the mark on what matters, I have a tendency to miss the main reasons why any of this discussion matters at all. The waning of marriage and low fertility are not just policy problems of pending inabilities to fund the social welfare net, though they are also that. Freya India does not miss the “why”. She writes: “I wasn’t cut out for a world that offered no refuge, no haven or hiding place, and I thought the problem was me.”  

The lack of marriage and motherhood mean fewer havens or hiding places for the next generation. This has become their problem. As such, these are not simply policy problems to fix. When we return to reliable family norms, these are also a healing balm for a hurting generation. Don’t let Mother’s Day go again by without remembering this.  

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Andrea Mrozek is Senior Fellow at Cardus Family.