A friend recently asked in effect: “Why are only women designated as ‘virgins’ in the liturgical calendar? Isn’t it an important virtue and value for men as well?” I’m often asked similar questions in the context of Theology of the Body, and I believe TOB can help us understand this apparent disparity.

It does not redefine terms, but will often use a kind of working definition to get to the essence of something. “Virginity,” in its essence, means “totally God’s body and soul.” When a woman wishes to forego earthly marriage for the sake of Christ (“celibacy for the Kingdom”), to have Christ alone as her Spouse—it is spoken of in the traditional language of virginity, bride, marriage. This spiritual impulse, gift and charism began early in the Church, even before religious life. Today, there is still the rite of “consecrated virgins”—women who do not live in community but make vows in the hands of the bishop of their diocese and perform dedicated service there.

Is virginity important for men as well? Sin is sin. Perhaps it is not emphasized culturally for men, but in Catholic evangelization, catechesis, and the formation and training of young men, it had better be! If the Church values virginity so highly in women, why would we not hold the men who are deflowering virgins accountable and show them how to initiate the gift of love and life well?

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So, is this about a double standard? Is it worse when women commit sexual sins? No. It’s that women have the “lion’s share” of sexuality so, in one sense, it’s more of a responsibility for them—and a privilege! Women hold all the cards and can form men in how they should treat women. This is not to say men have no responsibility for doing the right thing. Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not “blaming the victim.” But if we are going to finger-point at men, we must finger-point at ourselves.

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Are women being held to a higher standard? Fulton Sheen said the morality of a nation can be measured by its women. The more virtuous the women, the more the entire society is elevated. That’s not sexism. if you look to God for your direction, it’s a compliment acknowledging the true power of women. If you look to the world and radical feminism, you’re going to get a different narrative and set of values. 

Are men bridegrooms, like Christ, by nature? Yes. They are called to lay down their life, as Christ did, for God, the Church, family, country—according to their vocation. 

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If you give away your virginity outside marriage from ignorance, sinfulness, or following the culture, there is forgiveness in the Sacrament of Confession. It doesn’t mean we can’t be spiritual virgins. God is looking for those who give their hearts totally to Him. (Speaking about spiritual virginity does not mean the body is less important, insignificant, or that sexual sins aren’t serious.) In “Love and Responsibility,” John Paul II says t some people are simply (physical) virgins by default but never become truly spiritual virgins. They never make a conscious choice to give their heart to the Lord. He understood people often search for truth and happiness yet make grave mistakes along the way: “…The will to give oneself to God may develop late, that is to say in a person no longer physically a virgin…often as the result of a spiritual quest amid life’s uncertainties….” John Paul II speaks frequently of virginity applying equally to men and women.

Sometimes we forget God’s holiness, and the holiness we’re called to. “Be holy as your heavenly Father is holy.” What is the body for? “The body is not for immorality—but for the Lord.” “…your holiness forbids this.”