Struggle we might, forgive we must

Do you struggle with forgiveness? I think most everyone does. But is there that one person in your life who hurt you so severely or so inhumanely that you “just can’t forgive them”? That’s understandable, but…unforgiveable. 

To withhold forgiveness means God will withhold forgiveness from us. Who says so? Jesus. In fact, he says that if we fail to forgive our “fellow servants,” then the Father, yes, the Father, will not forgive us, and not only that, it will go badly for us in eternity (Matthew 18). There is nothing warm and fuzzy about the Gospel. Jesus came to tell it to us straight, to give us the lay of the land, the absolute truth; to reveal spiritual laws, spiritual cause-and-effect, the consequences of our actions and inactions.

Have you tried to forgive that person a bazillion times, but the memory of what they’ve done just stings so hard that you find yourself hating them, wishing them evil, and seemingly unable to forgive them at all? It’s important to remember that God will never require something of us that we aren’t able to do with His grace. To forgive does not mean that we will stop feeling the pain, it does not mean that we have to suddenly like that person, it doesn’t even mean that we have to tell that person we forgive them. It’s between us and God. 

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Our forgiveness does not mean that this person gets off scot-free. We all have to answer to God for our behaviour. This person may not want your forgiveness. This person may not be sorry. That’s between them and God. 

Some elderly people are afraid to die because they fear they might have to be in the presence of their abuser in heaven. (This is a more common scenario than you may think.) Here’s how it could play out: the only way an evil person winds up in Heaven is if they have deeply, sincerely repented of their evil, and have been transformed so that they are no longer evil. Perhaps they will be in Purgatory till the end of the world. Perhaps the abused won’t need to know or need to see their abuser if they made it to Heaven. Perhaps the abuser didn’t make it to heaven. 

Perhaps we will be transformed like St. Maria Goretti, who appeared to her unrepentant murderer in prison and offered him fourteen flowers of pardon—one for each time he stabbed her. He finally broke down, admitted his guilt, and lived a penitent and holy life till his death. Maria’s family also extended their forgiveness to him.

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When we say “I just can’t forgive them,” we might mean that we’re trying, but it’s really hard. To say: “I won’t forgive them” is another story. What’s important is that we have the will to forgive. Every time we think of what was done to us, we renew the will to forgive. How many times? 70 x 7 times. 

We are storing up treasure in heaven for ourselves every time we renew the will to forgive. Is it therapeutic to forgive? Perhaps. There are secular approaches to forgiving for the sake of our own freedom and peace of mind. As Christians, we forgive simply because Jesus said to, and because it is the requisite to be forgiven ourselves. It may not make us feel better. 

God’s greatest attribute in relation to us is His mercy. To receive mercy, we have to be merciful to others, even if they don’t know we’ve forgiven them, even if they’re deceased. How do we forgive? “From the bottom of your heart.” (Matthew 18)

People can irreversibly and irreparably change our lives because we have incredible influence over each other for better or for worse. Out of our brokenness, we can break each other. The famous slave turned philosopher, Epictetus, was physically abused by his former master to the point that he became lame. It didn’t stop him from giving his gift to the world.

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When we hit that moment of eternity, there is no more time left. There are no do-overs, no more second chances. Forgive now, or as Jesus said: “settle with your opponent while on your way to court.” 

“Forgive your neighbour the wrong he has done, and then your sins will be pardoned when you pray. Remember the end of your life, and set enmity aside…” (Sirach 28:2-3; 6).

(Sr. Helena Raphael Burns, FSP, is a Daughter of St. Paul. She holds a Masters in Media Literacy Education and studied screenwriting at UCLA. HellBurns.com Twitter: @srhelenaburns #medianuns)

A version of this article appeared in the October 25, 2026 issue of The Catholic Register with the headline "Struggle we might, forgive we must".